New Direction In My Posts

I've always been kinda introspective. I mull my deeper philosophical issues, especially when some random didactic thread crosses my mind.

So, I start with a thought that hit me tonight.

I have always been dual in nature. One part of me likes being precise and organized in thought and deed. Another part chafes at the "busy-ness" of that.

Reason? the anxiety that being that busy all the time creates. Panic attacks. Mild, though. I've learned to control them over the years.

So, I derailed the plan to load my day tomorrow with busyness. You don't need details. It's mundane.

In years past I would do a loaded schedule to test my focus, stamina and follow-through.

In my later years I don't feel it as necessary to test them.

Age? Yeah, most likely. Diminished testosterone. Sickness, tiredness, me-ness at 65.

The unneccesary-ness of proving all that to myself again and again. I've done all that, and I'm able to do it on-call. And I'm tired of dredging all that up.

Bad? Maybe. But I defer to the who I am now to the who I was then.

To put forth honesty, I am NOT who I was 30 years ago, and I think I'm finally OK with that.

I now have time to be the who I have become. The less hyper, less intense, less annoying version of the me I used to be.